My story, and why I write —

3 years ago, my daughter was born in a flurry of terror. Born grossly underweight, she struggled to feed, struggled to thrive. And no one could tell us why. Suffice it to say, feelings of fear, rage, and despair were my near constant companions during those initial months of her life. And while their presence made sense, to me, given the conditions, when I’d share about these difficult and unpleasant feelings, they were often dismissed, inadvertently, by those I love.

And so, I turned to writing.

Within the privacy of a notebook, I was able to express the true nature of my suffering. I wrote about what it was like to hold my tiny 2-pound human for the first time, the anguish of receiving her life-altering diagnosis, and the all-consuming rage that burned each time a tidy cliché was offered in response to my heartbreak.

The more I wrote, the more I noticed a peculiar pattern emerging. My painful feelings did not obliterate me, as I worried they might. Instead, the deeper I went, the more clearly I saw*. I saw that the same woman who raged, and suffered, and panicked, and despaired, was the same woman who loved, and who fought, and who braved, and who endured.

I didn’t see her weakness — I saw her power.

I began to wonder if I’d gotten my relationship to the shadows all wrong, too afraid to be defined by my weakest moments, or trapped inside my lowest feelings. But I’ve come to realize that by letting my pain and shame (my shadows) live alongside my joy and pride (my light), I create a richer, more textured, more colorful life. I become whole.

While I’m well past the trials of my postpartum period, my curiosity for the dark, and its secret wisdom, remains. So, whether my words are bound into a book, or summarized on Substack, you’ll find me considering topics we’re often too afraid to touch. I’ve come to believe that if it makes us uncomfortable, there’s probably a hidden truth worth finding. I’m ready to make that discovery, and I’d love for you to follow along.

With brilliance,
Sarah

*there was a good deal of therapy involved, as well ;)